DILLIAN

joycie

Dr. Ortill

Ganyan talaga kapag naka-anesthesia, nakakaramdam pero, hindi masakit.

And I was there, assisting in her lumpectomy, looking at bloody flesh, and inhaling the smoke from her cautery while my elbows were complaining from retracting, wishing that someone could inject me with just a vial of Lidocaine. Not from the physical pain but from the pointy feeling inside.

How avoidant.
----

It's been 23 days in my rotation, and FINALLY I had been able to assist at a major o.r....an Appendectomy. I can still remember how it is done. I insisted on scrubbing in on this one, just to see their technique. Pretty cool. I wish I could do one.

---
Can this be?




Our radiologists can't explain it. And my groupmate says, the child was not held by anyone while the x-ray was taken. Even so, it would not form a hand.. but will show the bones. (scary music here.)

joycie

Nothing makes a day faster than looking forward to something. And today, what put me through the first half of my day was the fact that me and my friends went out tonight.

This get together was for Joie. To cheer her up from her recent breakup after a 5 year relationship. We (Andrea, Andrew, King, Neli, Joie and I) met up at Rob and had dinner at Don Henrico's, remembering our clerkship experiences. That was the time when we were still students, and from there started comparing our internships at different hospitals. We had a hearty meal, and I felt at home, reconnecting with those I shared a wonderful 4 years of medicine proper with.

After that, we walked to a Karaoke Bar where we sang a mix of vengeful and sentimental songs for Joie. Some, for me. For them, too. I was tipsy and having so much fun, fun, fun, when..

He texted. He says he wants to die. He says I hurt him too much.

It's not the first time he's said that. He does it when I don't text or answer his calls or when I tell him that I don't feel the same. But now, I don't even know what I've done. I was always upfront and honest. And I did try to like him. I tried so hard, that I even DID like him. And he even thought I loved him back already. But it's not enough..

Because I knew the difference when I fell for somebody (who betrayed me instead). Argh. I am being played and twisted by fate.

It's good that work takes so much out of my mind. The brain can only do one thing at a time, and it helps to keep focus on what's in front.  In a few hours time, I'll be on track a 32 hour tour of duty, mending other people's bodies when I am so...broken inside.

joycie

Still no meteors flashing my way. Only navy blue clouds on an ebony sky. Oh well.

We had a short day at the hospital, there was a mandatory stay-at-the-library memo for all the interns. And so, we sort of had a free duty. I'm happy because we didn't work as hard today, and sad because I didn't have any patients to learn from.

And because I was tired of reading the medical stuff, I took a break and scanned the newspaper. A sociopolitical events expert, I am not. But somehow, I just want to speak out what I was thinking.

Pacquiao fever. Pacquaio in politics.
(Nah. He lost the elections last time, despite his boxing feats. We have become aware that the on-screen champions are a different story when it comes to politics.)

Pacquiao vs. Mayweather

(Lose-lose scenario for Pacquiao. If he says no, Mayweather will have bragging rights. If Pacquiao fights, he'd better win big time, or it'll be the end of his boxing glory)

Manny Villar and Loren Legarda, runningmates...
(Which just ruins their credibility. Manny using Loren's good reputation, and Loren using Manny for his well-oiled campaign machinery. Good luck to both.)

Hacienda Luisita.
(Has gone on long enough. It breaks my spirit to see the plight of the poor, the greed of the rich, and our sick legal system.)

Pacquiao and Jinky fighting due to Krista Ranillo...
(Typical. A full blown disaster.Let them fix it up, and stop the slandering. They are people after all, and no family is ever the cleaner.)

Edu Manzano, running for vice president.
(Game ka na ba? Kami, hindi.)

3 killed and 7 injured at Pasay demolition...
(Why use guns? WHY?! Of course they would protect the mosque, it is their place of worship. A little respect for their religion! There could have been a better way to do it. No wonder some Muslims would think badly about the government. Why fuel their agitation? Why? WHY?!)

New Moon, now showing.
(And dateless. moving on...)

Efren Penaflorida, the CNN hero...
(He's such an inspiration. With him and his group around, there is hope for this nation. WE CAN DO SOMETHING FOR OTHERS IF WE WANTED TO. I wish that aside from voting for him, we would also be encouraged to help the less fortunate. But first of all, let's vote. He deserves to win.)

Now on to the news of my life. I'm learning that some people have interesting stories to tell about their lives. And I am amazed to find out. But amidst all the sharing, I'm still keeping much a secret, sorting is still to be done with my baggages.

joycie

I've been watching for the Leonids for four days now. Just to make a wish or two. For whatever, it's my secret. Really, I'm a little...nope, a LOT superstitious.

We watched 2012 yesterday. Coolness. Not one I'd line up to be my favorites, but it's worth seeing if you need a pick-me-up. That is, if you like getting caught between tectonic plates and raging tsunamis. The scenes are amazing. And I liked the company: Perrine and Dave.

A snippet of my day at the Surgery Emergency Room. We had an American patient who went to the beach yesterday and fried his skin under the sun. That's for not wearing sunblock. He was delineatedly red on half the exposed parts of his body, just like a shrimp when it's done.I pitied him because it was so painful, weeping and blistering all over. Including his balding forehead. You'd know what he was in for, just by the sight of him. And so, we cleaned, flammazine-d, and gauze-d him up.

Ironic that a majority of Filipinos, men or women (hands up people! including me!) would somehow be guilty of buying whitening/lightening products for the sake of vanity. When all this time, our melanin concentration, has been responsible from keeping us from suffering the same fate, under the intense Equatorial sun. How colonial. We should love our melanin, we can bask at beaches, walk along the Metro and only fear of getting even browner...just think about it. And love your chocolate-ness. Haha.

Please, let there be a falling star, so I can get my wish. And... make that meteor hit the asshole who broke my heart. Yeh! (<--in a kikomachine kind of way.)

joycie

Mildly colorblind in the green and yellow spectrum.

And so was the explanation of Dr. Vigo on my test results on colorblindness.

We were goofing around in the Surgery Office when Dr. Matic asked us to scoot to the Eye Center for a study being done by his wife. It was fun arranging the colors into the spectrum, but it was admittedly difficult. The pegs had a certain order of shading, and it seemed that some pegs were of the same color. The pink and violet hues were a breeze, but the yellow and green pegs were sort of hard to arrange (for me). Damn it.

Some people say that only men are affected by colorblindness. That is partly correct, for the congenital type. There is also a acquired type, which includes medication, poor diet and smoking. I guess this is where I come in. I'm just happy that I can identify green from grey, even if I'm slightly impaired in distinguishing tints (which I didn't know before). I was slightly depressed afterwards saying I was ready to devour a plate of yellow and orange vegetables to salvage my remaining photoreceptors.

I remember a good friend, she would say that a dress was wonderfully blue when it was violet. I don't know if she's just confused or can't see the color right. One of our junior interns is also suspect to the condition, since he is having difficulty in identifying hyperemia (something red and swollen) from one that is not.

Impaired. That is something that we can be, without even knowing it.

In extreme colorblindness, one can only see the blue and orange shades. No green, no red. A colorblind man can't identify a woman with lipstick. Or a ripe banana from an unripe one. It may seem funny, or ridiculous. The sad part is some find it later in life, and is unsuitable to aviation, or jobs that requires color discrimination.

But being colorblind is the least of my worries.  I was just thinking, what if some people's emotions were the same? That in the spectra of anger, love, joy and sadness, they can only feel two extremes? Able to love without anger or experience joy without love?

joycie

And there he goes to the comfort room AGAIN.

My brother has been vomiting and having diarrhea all day. And all day, I have been calm, composed and doctor-like... although deep inside I am this close to bringing him to the hospital. Of course I'm doing this with maximum tolerance. After all, he is 17, not at risk of dehydration, and able to tolerate intake. It would be a embarassment on my part to bring him there, only to be sent home.

I assured him that the stomach discomfort is something he has to deal with, and will eventually wear off. To make the best of the situation, it was my time to scold him about his poor eating habits (junkfood, coke, skipping breakfast, eating out) I already gave him a combo of Esomeprazole, Ranitidine earlier this morning, and Domperidone when he still wasn't relieved in the afternoon. I know...I am failing my Internal Medicine, and Family Med teachers right now. I'm just extra aggressive when it comes to family. I want them to feel fine right away, or I'll be bothered that I'm not doing things correctly. I am also sticking to the traditional, we made him a cup of tea, and some hot soup. On the crazier part of my mind, I am on the verge of putting efficascent/white flower/vicks with a cross sign over the stomach...good thing, we just dont have it at home at the moment.

When I first took up medicine, I imagined myself, fast forward to the future, being at the bedside of my relatives, or having their children drop by at my clinic, or knocking at my door when they were sick. They also think the same, even saying ' walang bayad kapag nagpatingin kami ha', when I was starting out. Of course I will do my best to look use my knowledge to look after them. I just never expected that when it comes to loved ones, the pressure to perform well is much greater.

My parents especially. They are both in the healthcare field, and I have never been confined, EVER in my entire life.  The younger me had such a low tolerance for malaise, and will stay in bed even if it was just a nasty cold. When I went to the province two summers ago, some of my relatives were asking me to look into their aches and discomforts. My mom answering for me. And so I smile and agree, and feel my brain shrink. Like my confidence.

But that was before clerkship and internship. Medical students know nothing but theories until they step into hell, oops, into the hospital. And only then will they find out who is sick with what. And what sallow skin, pale palpebra, or rhonchi are. I hope that through the daily routine and madness, I am becoming better at what I am trying to become.

As I type, he reports to me that he has nothing more to barf. Darn it. I ask if he is feeling better...he just slumps on the sofa, and procedes to watch tv.

Ok, just two more bouts and we're off.

joycie

Some people call it destiny, some may call it fate. But when you keep seeing this person who has given you a considerable amount of heartbreak, then lets just say, its a curse.

I hate the way he is so unoriginal. He loves sinigang. So I am reminded every time that I enter the canteen. He loves dogs, and they roam the earth. He has an ex-girlfriend who is in the same hospital that I am. His family name is the last name of every 50 Filipinos- like Reyes, or Santos, or Bautista. And his first name is at the top of every person's phonebook. His name starts with double Aa's. Go figure. And every duty in my Pedia Rotation, one child has his name. So suddenly, his name is as common as Jenny or Mark. Or am I just minding it too much? To add to that, my only referral from Orthopedics is also his patient. I get to read his progress notes, he get to see mine. Yuck.

When he was still in the hospital, I bumped into him at the Information booth, at the front of the elevator, at the Emergency Room, at the Canteen. Damn it. Sometimes with his ex. Walking together. Eating together. And catching him looking at me. Which means me, looking at him. Shit. Luckily, I have the advantage of chinkee eyes and glasses. I'd just squint and he'd never know.

When he transferred to a hospital nearer to his home, I thought it was the end of my misery. But no, just when you least expect it, he just pops out of nowhere.

Strike one, September, Andrew and I were walking to this eatery outside the hospital for lunch, laughing about something, when he crossed our path. I pointed him and Andrew just said, "Sya? Ang kapal ha." (for no apparent reason)

Strike two, October, I was on my way home, when I decided to go to a photocopy station. I was watching my steps, when I head him say, "Huy". Damn it. We crossed paths again. And that two second encounter bothered me the rest of the way home. But why?

Strike three, today, we just had a despedida dinner with Ma'am Pearl, who happens to be the BEST ENT resident of all time, for me. We were hanging out at Starbucks in Alabang..and guess what.. guess what..

He was there on the other side of the cafe. With a date. (according to my friends) Which I didn't really mind. We haven't been texting for ages.

I fell in line at the C.R., and he came right behind me. Waving to my friends, (they were obviously enjoying) and then said "Hi "(or more like a "Uy") to me. Whatever.

And so, the teasing begins.  But none of them approves of him and tells me "Buti na lang... (hindi naging kayo, kasi mejo sablay nga na boyfriend)". I just give a big smile, and say that I'm glad too. I truly am. I just don't get the nudging pointy feeling which recurs with every encounter.  It's something that I can't control, I just have to live with it.

They say that when a person has a high I.Q, then equivalent to that is a low E.Q. Though there are many exceptions,  I think this time, I am the rule. Give me a handful of medical cases, and I'd eventually figure things out. But myself, and what I feel, I still can't explain why. I guess that's why no one  gets a Ph.D. in love. If there is, then I guess I 'd like to take that up as well. As if medicine isn't enough studying.

joycie

Lord of the Rings? Nope. This is the floors between the first hospital building and the third. Apparently, this is the most benign post of all. The patients are fine, but it takes a lot of walking when making rounds.

Babies. Fragile little things. Baby Fiona will undergo operation for her meningomyelocoele. Her parents have been spending hundreds of thousands (250k for the first operation, 100k for the next) just to repair the open defect on the baby's lumbosacral area. She has to stay lying on her stomach all the time. She looks like a pretty normal baby, but when Dr. Sibayan takes off the dressing, yelch. It looks kind of painful to have a big and deep wound over the back. Aw.

Cut-down care for the two babies at the Sick Neonate Unit. The small premature one kept crying as I swabbed betadine all over the catheter on her neck. The big one, with a cranial problem, did not even move one bit as I did the same. Sad. There's another one, 8 days old, who just underwent exlap ileostomy, stuck with a colostomy bag. I can imagine how difficult it must be for a Pedia Surg to do that, tingkering at the teeny organs. Actually, the operation is just the beginning in surgery. After the OR, you have to cross fingers that the patient recuperates. She's looking good so far.

For the bigger patients, I just absolutely love it when appndectomy and cholecystectomy patients are recovering. They groan in discomfort the first two days, then you see them on the third, doing better, getting to eat, and then the best part- sending them home. On the other side, I just hate it when it takes long for them to recover, and you keep on guessing "What is wrong with you?!" We have this patient on the floors who suddenly developed difficulty in breathing, we were all stuck there stabilizing him for 3 hours. I got to do an ABG, whoopee. Sadly my extraction was mixed arteriovenous (daw). But still.

Minors the next day, I got to assist in a breast mass excision with Dr. Ortillo, a female surgeon. Coolness. Kaya lang no small talk, unlike Dr. Santos, who I assisted in a wound debridement, that kept explaining that our site has to bleed. He jokingly said that "Tanggap ka na sa Surgery" I was protesting, but he said "Ayaw mo nun, ibig sabihin, natutuwa ako sa iyo, ang bilis mo eh!" Referring to the fact that I beat him to the buffet table after our O.R. I didn't care, I was starving!

That pretty much sums up the highlights of my 32 hour duty. I'm enjoying my Surgical Rotation, though I miss getting bloody and dirty in the Emergency Room. I feel that I'm missing a lot since at private hospitals, we dont get to do a lot of procedures...I would love to do an Appendectomy or a Chest Tube Thoracostomy. I'm not going into Surgery so Internship is my last chance. At the looks of it, I guess we'll just be leaving it to the residents.